june + july 2018 – –

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The past two months have been weird.  It was like a lot of stuff happened and didn’t happen all at once.  It’s hard to remember a lot of it honestly.  It seemed to start with the already overwhelming thought and acceptance that my mental health is not where it needs to be, to then realizing I somehow need to find a way to fix it, to one of my biggest fears popping up behind my shoulder when I least expected it.  Sometimes I think heartbreak is much more painful than any physical injury.

I got past it though (or am getting past it) and I’m still alive.  It’s funny how in the moment of grief something can be so painful you feel like you’re dying, or would rather die, but then once it’s accepted you’re like “Oh…that wasn’t so bad.”  Don’t get me wrong, it still is very painful to think about, but it’s easier now.  And somehow after incidents like this when I feel at my weakest, after I have survived it I usually end up feeling at my strongest.  I think that’s what allows me to process and move forward more quickly these days then I used to.  I actually allow myself time to grieve now, and after a few days of just being so unbearably sad, I get tired of being sad.  I’m not sure if that’s a good way to go about it, but it’s better than anything else I’ve tried.

I think the biggest thing I’m taking away from these past few months though, is realizing that sometimes it’s okay to not be your strongest.  It’s okay to take breaks, to take care of yourself, to ask for help.

I saw a psychiatrist recently and was diagnosed with depression and panic disorder, which was honestly surprising to me even though it shouldn’t have been lol.  I’ve never had a real panic attack before, so in my head that automatically meant I wasn’t as bad off.  Some of my friends experience panic attacks frequently, almost daily, which seems like real hell compared to what I go through.  My psychiatrist asked me questions though that made me realize that I’ve had anxiety since I was really little.  I used to get straight A’s in elementary school and I remember one day I forgot to bring home my book to do my homework that evening.  I basically had a mental breakdown (at like 10 years old lol) because I so badly didn’t want to fail.  Not even just once.  She explained that when people suffer from panic at early ages, they can learn to control it, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone by any means.  That really hit home.

I ended up taking a huge break from social media, discord, streaming, etc.  As much as I didn’t want to, I knew I needed to.  I miss it all a lot, but I think that’s what’s also good about breaks.  It kind of rejuvenates your love and passion for what you do.  I got started on my first medication a few days ago for anxiety and depression so I’m really hoping that will help me handle the stress better.  So far I already notice a difference.  I ruminate far less, which leads to a lot less anxiety.  I still experience it here and there, but not nearly as bad.  I don’t really know how to explain it other than I just kind of feel…relief?  Like my brain finally said, “You can rest now.”  It’s nice.  I do feel it a little harder to focus and it’s been harder for me to stay asleep, but I’m hoping that’s just a side affect that will go away after my body adjusts.  It was hard at first because I was so against taking any form of medication.  I’ve seen addiction first hand.  My doctor was so understanding though, and explained anxiety can go into remission after 1 to 2 years, in which I would be able to stop taking the pills.  I had no idea that anxiety could even go away.  It’s pretty exciting all-in-all and I’m feeling more hopeful than I have in a while.  I also randomly start to smile like I can’t control it??  Not sure if this is normal lmao but I guess it’s better than my resting sad face.

I get scared of taking breaks from social media, which in and of itself should be a sign that it’s having a negative affect on me.  I’ve been seeing this all over lately.  People coming clean with how their social media accounts have such a strong hold on them, on their lives.  Pewdiepie made a video recently that I feel talks about it well (albeit it’s about Youtube, but you could compare it to any social website).  It’s hard when social media is part of your job, but I think it should be considered like any other job.  If your normal work job was stressing you to the point of anxiety and illness, would you continue working there?  Would you at least take some time off?  I think because our jobs entail “fun things” like social media, we as creators end up feeling guilty for ever taking time off.  But it’s just like anything else.  It’s work.  Even if it’s fun work.  And if anyone ever criticized you for it, then let them go.  You are probably better off without them following.  It’s kind of like those people who ask for free art because “if u rly liked to draw u wud do it for FREE.”

In more exciting news though, I finally placed orders for my third and final Ink book, as well as got my test batches and photos ready for my next shirt campaign.  Slowly working back up to rejoining the real world again~

Ok I think that’s enough rambling for one day LOL.  Sorry for no “aesthetic pictures” this time, I’m too tired.  I figured I needed to make up for missing last month’s though.  Let me know how the past few months have been for you.  Do you suffer from any form of anxiety or panic?  Depression?  Have you ever taken medication for it?  I’d love to hear your stories♥

 

11 thoughts on “june + july 2018 – –

  1. Please take your time and really take care of you.
    I didn’t do that and the result was really awful…
    And I’m happy you meet psychiatrist and psychologist who listen to you.
    I think go at our own pace, recognise our suffering (without comparing with other, juste take care about bad feelings), be honest with ourself, it’s essential to remain trapped of illness and pursue something that suits us better.
    I now it’s hard to live those things but I also learnt so much retrospectively.
    Today I am reconciled with my parents and I have never had such a good relationship with them.
    Also I met great people ( like you) who gave me strenght and able me to see the beauty of life, and permit to progress with her (not against).
    Thank you ❤

    I send you many good vibes, peace and solace.
    🍀🌻🙏
    And I hope Rocca goes well 🐱

    Like

    • I’m sorry to hear that things got so bad for you, but I’m also really happy that they are much better now ♥ I agree- I think it’s something we each need to realize in our own time. Learning not to compare is proving to be the hardest thing for me, but you’re absolutely right, we each deserve to feel how we feel and to deal with it.
      Keep going because I believe we’re all capable of anything, even if that’s just changing how we view the world ^^ sending you love and light as well<3
      And Roca is doing just fine ;3 she's asleep next to me as we speak.

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  2. Take care you nerd, you can overcome anything. Cus thats what nerds do and you are one. ez
    And away from all sillyness, you are the strongest person i know
    anyway yeh hope you are eating cilantro and avocado and all the vegies.

    Like

  3. This post really hit close to home for me. But in the workaholic sense not the social media sense. I feel guilty for asking for days off and that leads me to get anxious about “not being productive.” I actually do deal with depression though. And I take meds. It’s hard to remember to take them in the morning but I’m trying. Although I might me looking for a new doctor because I feel like these meds aren’t helping anymore – I’ve been on them since October 2017. Anyway, thank you for sharing. Take all the time you need and take care.

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  4. You’re doing a fantastic thing by looking for help and following it. I went through years of agonizing pain, thinking that I would never amount to anything. I know I’ve told you this before, but I had a very long period of hating everything I created. I was truly disgusted by the thought of something coming from my hands, like nothing I made would be worthy of the world. I know it sounds like a strong way of putting it, but that is truly how I felt. I never sought help and I still haven’t, but I truly wish that I did when I was going through the worst of it. I’m in a much better mental place now and I attribute that mostly to pure luck. It’s the truth. I lucked out when it came to suddenly being able to break out of the darkness and I know there are tons of people out there who will never fall into the luck I had. I found you and the moonfam and suddenly there was a rope for me to grab onto and climb out of the pit I single-handedly buried myself in and it’s been so relieving. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my heart and I can suddenly breathe again. I find myself falling back into that darkness on rare occasions, but now I know it’s always temporary. Everything is temporary. What matters is what you do with the time you’re given.

    TL;DR: I lub you, Denae. You’re doing an awesome thing by letting yourself take a break and for seeking help. It’s something that plenty of people, including myself, have never done. I wish you the best and smooth sailing when it comes to your medications helping you! The moonfam will always be here to cheer you on no matter how long you’re gone!

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  5. Denae, I’m so glad you’re taking steps to heal and make improvements to your life and mental health. Know that you’re strong, capable, and surrounded by people who love and care for you. ❤

    I've been dealing with some really difficult things for the past few months. I recently started going to a psychologist and came to discover that I've actually been dealing with it for a few years, but have just suppressed all the negativity and emotions to the point where my brain and body were really struggling to handle the strain. Though I haven't yet been diagnosed with any sort of clinical depression or anxiety, I have experienced numerous anxiety attacks and gone into some of the deepest and darkest corners of depression. It's hard to admit that there is something wrong and you need help, even (maybe especially) to yourself. For the longest time, to me, admitting it and asking for help represented failure and weakness. But that couldn't be further from the truth. It takes a strong person to keep moving forward and to keep their head up. Having the support of others, and medication, doesn't mean you're weak – it just means that you're adding even more to the strength you already possess.

    I've only just started my own journey of healing, and I think I have a long, difficult, and painful road ahead of me that requires actual big life changes. But, even just finally starting to get the help I need, I already see little glimmers of hope for my future. ;u;

    Thank you so much for being open and sharing your experiences with us. It's not easy to talk about, but it makes us all feel a little less alone, I think. I'm so proud of you and look forward to seeing your smiling face again! ❤

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  6. This was a beautiful post, i needed to respond! i’ve dealt with mental health issues all my life and still do. so many times it feels so debilitating and there’s lots of times where i feel like i’ve hit my lowest point. thank you for being so honest with your journey. we aren’t alone in all this, that after the low points we are able to pull ourselves up and keep going! for me, that’s something i needed to hear at the moment.

    i’m very happy that you’re taking the steps to improve your health. like narwhal said, not a lot of people do! it’s easy to feel guilt about taking breaks from work and other things, believe me -_- but the people who really do care about you will understand and support you. i hope your break is relaxing and restorative v.v

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  7. As a quiet observer of your streams and art, I’m really glad to read this post and see that you’ve been taking the necessary steps to what looks like reaching the ultimate goal of just getting better. Now that you got diagnosed, I just hope things will start becoming brighter and brighter from now — surely there will be ups and downs, as this is inevitable, but I believe you’ll be able to overcome them. Hopefully, you believe in yourself to do that, too.

    Reading this post actually hit me quite hard on a personal level, and not for the first time I wonder what would I get diagnosed with if I ever reached out for help? I deal with a whole lot of anxiety daily, to the point where I don’t do most of the things I’d maybe like to do because various fears, most notably of failing and being ridiculed, and it makes me all kinds of miserable, since because of this I’ve been just kind of… stuck in one place, for years. My whole life probably. I just kinda feel myself wasting away while not doing all the things I could do, but the awareness is not enough to overcome this fear. The funny part is that I’m too scared and anxious to seek any help with this, too. (And realistically, too poor to attempt to.)

    So, you could say I’m very happy for you that you’re able to do things that I am not, which is reaching out and seeking help. I hope I can continue watching you grow from my quiet sidelines. 🖤

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