june + july 2018 – –

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The past two months have been weird.  It was like a lot of stuff happened and didn’t happen all at once.  It’s hard to remember a lot of it honestly.  It seemed to start with the already overwhelming thought and acceptance that my mental health is not where it needs to be, to then realizing I somehow need to find a way to fix it, to one of my biggest fears popping up behind my shoulder when I least expected it.  Sometimes I think heartbreak is much more painful than any physical injury.

I got past it though (or am getting past it) and I’m still alive.  It’s funny how in the moment of grief something can be so painful you feel like you’re dying, or would rather die, but then once it’s accepted you’re like “Oh…that wasn’t so bad.”  Don’t get me wrong, it still is very painful to think about, but it’s easier now.  And somehow after incidents like this when I feel at my weakest, after I have survived it I usually end up feeling at my strongest.  I think that’s what allows me to process and move forward more quickly these days then I used to.  I actually allow myself time to grieve now, and after a few days of just being so unbearably sad, I get tired of being sad.  I’m not sure if that’s a good way to go about it, but it’s better than anything else I’ve tried.

I think the biggest thing I’m taking away from these past few months though, is realizing that sometimes it’s okay to not be your strongest.  It’s okay to take breaks, to take care of yourself, to ask for help.

I saw a psychiatrist recently and was diagnosed with depression and panic disorder, which was honestly surprising to me even though it shouldn’t have been lol.  I’ve never had a real panic attack before, so in my head that automatically meant I wasn’t as bad off.  Some of my friends experience panic attacks frequently, almost daily, which seems like real hell compared to what I go through.  My psychiatrist asked me questions though that made me realize that I’ve had anxiety since I was really little.  I used to get straight A’s in elementary school and I remember one day I forgot to bring home my book to do my homework that evening.  I basically had a mental breakdown (at like 10 years old lol) because I so badly didn’t want to fail.  Not even just once.  She explained that when people suffer from panic at early ages, they can learn to control it, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone by any means.  That really hit home.

I ended up taking a huge break from social media, discord, streaming, etc.  As much as I didn’t want to, I knew I needed to.  I miss it all a lot, but I think that’s what’s also good about breaks.  It kind of rejuvenates your love and passion for what you do.  I got started on my first medication a few days ago for anxiety and depression so I’m really hoping that will help me handle the stress better.  So far I already notice a difference.  I ruminate far less, which leads to a lot less anxiety.  I still experience it here and there, but not nearly as bad.  I don’t really know how to explain it other than I just kind of feel…relief?  Like my brain finally said, “You can rest now.”  It’s nice.  I do feel it a little harder to focus and it’s been harder for me to stay asleep, but I’m hoping that’s just a side affect that will go away after my body adjusts.  It was hard at first because I was so against taking any form of medication.  I’ve seen addiction first hand.  My doctor was so understanding though, and explained anxiety can go into remission after 1 to 2 years, in which I would be able to stop taking the pills.  I had no idea that anxiety could even go away.  It’s pretty exciting all-in-all and I’m feeling more hopeful than I have in a while.  I also randomly start to smile like I can’t control it??  Not sure if this is normal lmao but I guess it’s better than my resting sad face.

I get scared of taking breaks from social media, which in and of itself should be a sign that it’s having a negative affect on me.  I’ve been seeing this all over lately.  People coming clean with how their social media accounts have such a strong hold on them, on their lives.  Pewdiepie made a video recently that I feel talks about it well (albeit it’s about Youtube, but you could compare it to any social website).  It’s hard when social media is part of your job, but I think it should be considered like any other job.  If your normal work job was stressing you to the point of anxiety and illness, would you continue working there?  Would you at least take some time off?  I think because our jobs entail “fun things” like social media, we as creators end up feeling guilty for ever taking time off.  But it’s just like anything else.  It’s work.  Even if it’s fun work.  And if anyone ever criticized you for it, then let them go.  You are probably better off without them following.  It’s kind of like those people who ask for free art because “if u rly liked to draw u wud do it for FREE.”

In more exciting news though, I finally placed orders for my third and final Ink book, as well as got my test batches and photos ready for my next shirt campaign.  Slowly working back up to rejoining the real world again~

Ok I think that’s enough rambling for one day LOL.  Sorry for no “aesthetic pictures” this time, I’m too tired.  I figured I needed to make up for missing last month’s though.  Let me know how the past few months have been for you.  Do you suffer from any form of anxiety or panic?  Depression?  Have you ever taken medication for it?  I’d love to hear your stories♥

 

may 2018 – –

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I made this site and totally planned on making weekly blogs, but that obviously has not been happening lol.  So instead I thought it might be a nice idea to do a monthly wrap up, so I’d at least have to reflect on the month as a whole until I’m able to write more frequently.


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The past few month’s have been pretty weird for me.  I’ve gone back and fourth from feeling more motivated then I have in my whole life, to not being motivated at all and feeling pretty hopeless about my situation.   The motivated points have been amazing and I get going at this pace where I feel like I’m just accomplishing one thing after another, I’m unstoppable, and then I hit this point where things slow down and I start to feel demotivated.  I’m not really sure how to fix that just yet but I guess noticing and acknowledging is the first step.  Trying to figure out with my therapist if this is mental or more of a biological thing.  I’ve always had a weird and probably unhealthy view on work.  I feel like if I’m not working then I’m being lazy, and to be fair – I enjoy my work so much it’s hard to tell when it’s “work” and “play”.  That being said I think I need to work on having a healthier relationship with my days off.  I tend to work on my weekends as well, which is why I decided today to just write and do other things instead of thinking about work I’m not doing.  So far so good!

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As I mentioned briefly above – I also started therapy last month!  Even though I’ve only had two sessions so far, I feel like it’s helped me a lot already.  From it I’ve realized I’m not very good at acknowledging things that I have accomplished (like most people I’m sure), and instead am constantly pushing forward to the next thing.  I’m also not very good at acknowledging my feelings.  In streams I tell people all the time that feeling is good!  Crying is good!  But I never really take that advice myself.  I acknowledge how I’m feeling but then I almost immediately always push it aside with logical reasoning as to why it’s not okay.  I need to work on that too.

I’ve slowly but surely been working on reopening my art shop.  I’ve placed some orders for new products to see how they’ll sell and have been waiting on those to get in.  I’ve also been working on finishing up my final “inktober” book (though this one has taken way too long to finish).  I’ve had some people react sadly to this being the last one in the series, but I feel like three is a good number \o/.  This also doesn’t mean it’s the last book I’ll be making, in fact I’m hoping this is just the start.  I have a lot of big plans for the future, I just need to finally get something solid going so I can pursue them.  Running a shop is stressful for me right now, but I think it’s something that’s necessary for an artist like myself, and I do enjoy it to an extent.  I think I just need to get over those initial anxieties that come with running one.  I know it will get easier in time.  A friend showed me the video above a while back about how success is just outside of your comfort zone, so I’m trying to remember that.

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So things I’ve learned this month:
-Slow down a little, but don’t lose sight of the end goal.
-Breaks are good.
-Feeling is good.
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I hope you guys don’t mind these more “rambly” entries.  I do still want to do more processes, fashion, and other stuff; just taking it one step at a time for now.  Let me know how your May went – things you learned, experiences you had♥  Here’s to a good June~

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